🐖 WTF Gospel: Why Did Jesus Send Demons Into Pigs? A Biblical Exorcism, a Porkocalypse, and the Ancient World's Weirdest Suicide Squad...

By Your Favorite Underpaid Theological Detective

April 2025 | Satire | Religion | WTF Mysteries of Faith Division

Opening Scene: Jesus, Demons, and 2,000 Unlucky Pigs

Somewhere on a rocky shore near the Sea of Galilee, a man possessed by a legion of demons screamed at the sky.

Enter Jesus: the original ghostbuster, ready to perform a miracle so absurd it would make even Marvel scriptwriters say, "Maybe tone it down a little."

The demons, apparently on good speaking terms with Jesus, begged not to be sent "out of the country" (because demons are weirdly patriotic about real estate).

Jesus agreed — but only if they entered a herd of 2,000 pigs grazing conveniently nearby.

The demons did so.

The pigs immediately ran headfirst into the sea and committed mass aquatic suicide.

And just like that:

The most WTF miracle in Gospel history was born.

Scene 1: Ancient Exorcism or Ancient Allegory?

Why pigs? Why not goats? Chickens? Some hapless tourists?

Scholars have suggested that this wasn’t just random cosmic slapstick.

This was loaded symbolic theater.

According to theologian Nicholas Elder and other buzzkills in biblical studies:

  • "Legion" (the name the demons used) was a reference to Roman soldiers.

  • Gerasa (or Gadara, depending on your Bible) was a hot spot for Roman military massacres during the Jewish-Roman wars.

  • The story wasn't just about demons — it was a political metaphor.

Romans = Demons.
Oppression = Possession.
Liberation = Sink the damn pigs.

In this reading, Jesus wasn't just curing one crazy dude.

He was symbolically nuking Rome — through the medium of panicked bacon.

Scene 2: The Poor Pigs — What Did They Ever Do to Deserve This?

Theological crisis alert:

"WHY THE PIGS, JESUS?? THEY DID NOTHING WRONG!"

Serious questions arise:

  • Pigs aren’t even capable of sinning — they’re pigs.

  • Whose pigs were they?

  • Did Jesus just ruin a farmer’s entire retirement plan for dramatic effect?

If you ever wondered who the real victims of biblical miracles were, it's not always the sinners. Sometimes it’s 2,000 innocent pigs whose insurance policies didn’t cover "demonic mass drowning."

To paraphrase the internet’s reaction:

"Jesus yeeted 2,000 pigs into the sea for an exorcism flex. Moral of the story? Don't graze your pigs near possessed people."

Scene 3: Demonic Logic (Or Lack Thereof)

Let’s try to follow the demon logic here:

  • Step 1: Escape expulsion into the abyss.

  • Step 2: Beg to possess pigs instead.

  • Step 3: Immediately cause pigs to jump into a lake and drown.

  • Step 4: ... profit?

Wait.

If drowning pigs kills the pigs but not the demons, aren't the demons just back to floating around homeless anyway?

Congratulations, Jesus:

You solved a possession problem by creating a mass ghost-and-pork problem instead.

Somehow, nobody thought to ask "Are the demons just swimming now?" at the town meeting afterward.

Scene 4: Modern WTF Reactions (From Believers, Skeptics, and People Who Just Really Like Pigs)

The comments section practically writes itself:

@BaconBeliever69:
"Save the pigs. Send the demons into Government agents instead."

@SkepticalSaint:
"Demons having polite conversations with Jesus sounds like a rejected episode of The Office."

@ExorcismEnthusiast:
"Biblical miracles: 10% healing, 90% creative property damage."

@SwineRightsActivist:
"First recorded case of mass animal abuse in scripture. #PigsDeserveBetter"

Rational Analysis: Symbolism Over Literalism

Taking the story literally leads to endless absurdities.

Taking it symbolically, however, reveals deep layers:

  • Jesus is depicted as having power over chaos — even Roman chaos.

  • The unclean spirits entering unclean animals (pigs, forbidden in Jewish dietary law) reinforces the "purification" motif.

  • The destruction of the pigs parallels the destruction of Roman occupiers — but through spiritual, not military, means.

In the ancient Mediterranean world, where storytelling was as political as it was religious, this miracle would have sent a coded message to occupied peoples:

"Rome's legions (demons) will fall into chaos and self-destruction — by divine power, not by your swords."

Brilliant, if you think about it.

But terrible news if you’re a Galilean pig farmer.

Theological Questions That Remain Unanswered (Because It’s More Fun That Way)

  • Could the demons just have possessed the fish next?

  • Did the villagers immediately organize a class-action lawsuit against Jesus?

  • Were the apostles laughing or deeply uncomfortable during this miracle?

  • Is this the real reason bacon became so controversial?

We may never know.

Final Thoughts: Myth, Meaning, and the Messiness of Ancient Stories

The story of Jesus sending demons into pigs stands as one of the most colorful, chaotic, and controversial episodes in the Gospels. Whether read literally, metaphorically, or skeptically, it invites reflection on how ancient peoples understood evil, purification, and divine power.

Rather than seeking absolute literal truth in these narratives, it is perhaps wiser to recognize them as symbolic expressions of deeper hopes: the hope for liberation, for justice, and for a world where chaos is overcome by peace — even if sometimes it takes a pork-flavored apocalypse to make the point.


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