📚God Hates... Grammar? — The WTF Truth About Leviticus, Linguistic Gymnastics, and Yahweh’s Alleged Bed Rules...

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👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky.

And what’s freakier than realizing entire theologies may be based on bad translation, ancient bedsharing etiquette, and Paul’s overactive imagination?

“It’s not Adam and Steve” was always a weird argument—especially when Yahweh never even mentioned Steve. But what if the real scandal wasn’t the sin… but the syntax?”

By Our Editorial Board  | Special Feature | July 2025 Edition

In a year when Donald J. Trump is back in the White House, TikTok is selling theology courses, and artificial intelligence can now compose Psalms in Akkadian, it’s only fitting that we reopen the biblical wormhole of Leviticus 18:22. That verse. The one that has been weaponized at everything from gay rights to rainbow cupcakes at church bake sales. But what if we’ve been misreading it for—wait for it—3,000 years?

Grab your scrolls. Put your Strong’s Concordance in rice. This is about to get linguistically unholy.

What Leviticus Actually Said (Before the Church’s HR Department Got to It)

The verse in question, Leviticus 18:22, often translated in most modern Bibles as:

“Do not lie with a man as with a woman. It is an abomination.”

Ah yes. The greatest hits version.

But when you take off your King James goggles and dive into the raw Hebrew—and not the sanitized-for-evangelicals version—you get a sentence that looks more like a contract dispute in a Bronze Age Airbnb than a divine declaration of eternal damnation.

The original Hebrew says something closer to:

“Do not shakab with zakar in mishkave ishah...”

Or, more precisely:

“Do not go horizontal with a boy in the bed-laying style of a woman.”

Wait, what?

Is this a commandment, a weird dating sim rule, or a set of instructions for IKEA bunk beds?

Let’s break this down.

WTF Is “Mishkave”? And Why Is Yahweh So Obsessed with Mattresses?

The word “mishkave”, derived from shakab, is about lying down — not in the judgmental sense, but literally reclining. It’s used across the Hebrew Bible to refer to anything from resting, to sex, to death, to mourning. Basically, if you're horizontal, it's shakab.

But mishkave ishah—the “lying place of a woman”—is the showstopper. Is it sex? Is it a marital bed? Is it a religious space? A menstrual taboo? Or is it—stay with us—a poetic euphemism for property rights and male honor in Bronze Age patriarchy?

Some post-materialist linguistic scholars say it’s more like:

“Don’t bring a man into your wife’s bed, ya gross pig.”

In this view, the sin isn’t “homosexuality” but violating a marital space—an ancient Near Eastern version of “cheating on your wife with her brother’s cousin’s donkey groom.”

What If It’s Not Homophobia, But Hygiene?

There’s also a hilarious—but plausible—anthropological theory: that the prohibition is more about ancient cleanliness than divine wrath.

According to some scholars, anal sex may have been banned not for moral reasons, but because it caused serious medical complications in a world without antibiotics, lube, or sphincter-friendly health care.

And you know what God really hates?

Festering rectal abscesses.

(That, and polyester.)

St. Paul’s Bizarre Vocabulary Choices: That Time the Apostle Invented a Word

Fast forward to the New Testament, and you get Paul, the evangelist formerly known as Saul, sliding into Greek letters with made-up words like arsenokoitai.

This word occurs exactly zero times before Paul coins it. It’s like if Paul decided to ban “toaster-daters” and expected everyone to just roll with it.

Most likely, Paul was slamming temple prostitution, abusive relationships between older Greek men and young boys (pederasty), or elite Roman pervs using underage slaves for entertainment. But thanks to lazy translation and Puritan panic, it’s now globally interpreted as: “God hates gays.”

Except… no. What Paul likely meant was: “God hates powerful dudes exploiting powerless ones for sex.” Which, ironically, makes Paul sound like a modern social justice warrior, not a Southern Baptist.

The Real Burn Book: Yahweh’s Sexual Ethics in Context

When Leviticus says something is a tōʿēbah (abomination), it's not always eternal fire and brimstone. The same word is used for:

  • Eating shellfish

  • Wearing mixed fabrics

  • Getting tattoos

  • Remarrying your ex after she's married someone else

But your church still sells shrimp at the fundraiser while yelling about drag queens.

So what gives?

Simple: cherry-picking scripture is easier than reading Hebrew.

Welcome to the Yahowah Cinematic Universe™: Now Featuring Quantum Gender Ethics

Some fringe—but fascinating—readings of Leviticus even claim that God’s laws were less about sex and more about sacred space violations. Like keeping the temple pure. Or not doing pagan rituals involving male prostitutes (qadesh). In other words:

“Don’t do weird Mesopotamian cult things with boys in Yahweh’s house. It’s tacky.”

Is this about homosexuality? Not necessarily. Is it about defiling sacred roles, committing incest, or humiliating minors in public displays of dominance?

Very likely.

Who Died and Made Paul King?

Let’s also address the elephant on the Damascus road: Paul never met Jesus.

He wasn’t there. He didn’t attend the Sermon on the Mount. He didn't even get the fish-and-loaves buffet.

Yet somehow, Paul’s random letters become canonized as The Word while Jesus’ own teachings on love, mercy, and minding your own business get backgrounded like a gospel side quest.

Jesus said nothing—zero, zip—about homosexuality. But Paul? Paul out here banning fictional Greek sexual categories like he’s designing RPG character traits.

Final WTF Verdict: Is God Anti-Gay… or Just Bad at IKEA Bed Assembly?

After a deep-dive into ancient Hebrew, Greek etymology, cultural anthropology, and divine grammar snobbery, here’s our conclusion:

  • Leviticus isn’t about sexual orientation—it’s about sexual politics in Bronze Age tents.

  • Paul’s letters are full of context-dependent, often ambiguous words.

  • The Old Testament contains more bedroom regulations than a Marriott housekeeping manual, most of which are symbolic, hygiene-based, or meant to keep Israelites from becoming fertility cult cosplay actors.

If God wanted to say “Homosexuality is a sin,” He would have said that clearly—like He did about murder, theft, and eating owls.

But He didn’t.

🗣️ COMMENT SECTION:

@TorahAndChill69: So I spent 30 years judging my neighbor for having a boyfriend… and all God cared about was me eating crab? Cool cool cool.

@PaulFanBoi4Life: You libtards just hate Paul because he tells it like it is. Real men lie down… only vertically.

@ExegesisEvie: Thank you! I’ve been yelling this into the void since seminary. Let the Hebrew speak for itself!

@YahwehBurnerAcct: I said what I said. Stop blaming me for Paul’s fan fiction.

NEXT WEEK IN WTF RELIGION:

  • “Did Jonah Really Get Swallowed by a Whale or Was It a Metaphor for Avoiding Your Therapist?”

  • “Balaam’s Talking Donkey: Divine Miracle or Ancient Schizophrenia?”

  • “Ark of the Covenant: Holy Relic or Bronze Age Microwave?”

Stay tuned. Stay weird. Stay horizontal—but only in the proper mishkave.

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