🎯Holy Confusion! How Many Catholics Does It Take to Confuse a Protestant?...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

Half headline, half punchline—fully informed.

July 21, 2025 | Editorial Desk

Washington DC | Vatican City | Your Local Parish

👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it.

The Divine Mystery of 24 Rites, 1 Church, and a Pope Who Can Speak Ukrainian!

By our resident ecclesiastical comedian and part-time altar boy whisperer, Father WTFicus von Papalazzi

WTF? 

You thought “Catholic” meant just one big mega-church in Rome with fancy hats, Latin mumbo-jumbo, incense allergies, and a Pope who may or may not be Batman. 

But wait—what if we told you there are 24 other autonomous Catholic Rites who all believe in the same basic theology but use wildly different liturgies, wear dramatically diverse robes, and in some cases, drink coffee before communion? Yes, Karen, there’s more to Catholicism than the Roman Catholic one you saw in “The Exorcist.”

In the age of AI popes and Donald J. Trump’s second term as U.S. President (again, check your calendar—it’s real), let’s take a holy deep dive into what makes a Catholic a “Roman” Catholic—or not—and why some of them speak Aramaic while others chant in Ge’ez. 

It’s enough to make Martin Luther nail a second thesis just out of sheer confusion.

First: Let’s Break the Myth of the “One-Size-Fits-All” Catholicism

When people say “Catholic,” what they often mean is “Roman Catholic.” That’s the Latin Rite—the big kahuna. The one with the Pope in Rome, the Vatican Swiss Guards who look like Renaissance fashion rejects, and a bureaucracy so complex it could rival the IRS and Hogwarts combined.

But Catholicism isn’t a McDonald’s franchise. It’s more like the United Nations of Churches, all under one Pope, with multiple liturgical passports, spiritual accents, and ecclesial cuisines. 

The Catholic Church is ONE in faith and doctrine—but MULTI-RITUAL in worship and governance. Hence, there’s the Roman Catholic Church, and then there’s the other 23 Eastern Catholic Churches, each with their own liturgies, calendars, hairstyles, and incense brands.

All of them are in full communion with the Pope—yes, even the ones who think Rome smells too much like bureaucracy and not enough like frankincense.

So What’s the Difference Between "Catholic" and "Roman Catholic"?

It’s all branding, baby.

  • "Roman Catholic" specifically refers to Catholics who belong to the Latin Church, which uses the Roman Rite.

  • "Catholic"—capital C—is an umbrella term that includes ALL 24 sui iuris (autonomous) churches under the Vatican tent, even if they’ve never touched a Latin missal.

So while your Irish aunt who knits rosaries might attend a Roman Catholic parish, a Ukrainian Catholic down the street may follow the Byzantine Rite—and both are 100% Catholic. Just like both your Mac and your Android are still somehow phones, even though one of them won’t connect to your church’s Wi-Fi.

Sui Iuris, Say What Now?

Sui iuris is Latin for “of one’s own law.” It basically means these churches govern themselves but still report to the Pope—sort of like how Texas thinks it’s independent but still cashes federal checks.

There are 24 sui iuris Churches within the Catholic Church:

  • 1 Western (Latin) Church

  • 23 Eastern Catholic Churches, grouped roughly into liturgical traditions like Byzantine, Alexandrian, Armenian, East Syriac, and West Syriac.

Each has its own hierarchy, canon law, and liturgy. 

Some have married priests. 

Some speak Arabic. 

Some wear hats shaped like UFOs. 

All believe in transubstantiation, the resurrection, and that St. Peter got the keys to the kingdom—even if they argue about whether those keys should be gold or silver.

The Main Rites Explained (Without a Theology Degree or Lifetime in Seminary)

Here’s your beginner’s WTF guide to the major Catholic Rites, broken down like a divine Netflix menu:

1. Latin Rite (Roman Catholic)

  • Liturgical Language: Latin (but often in local language)

  • Territory: Global Domination (from Argentina to Alaska)

  • Special Features: Rosaries, Vatican bureaucracy, fish on Fridays

  • Famous Members: Every Pope since Peter, Mel Gibson (pre-rant)

2. Byzantine Rite (Used by 14 Eastern Catholic Churches)

Includes: Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church, Melkite Catholic Church, Ruthenian Catholic Church, etc.

  • Liturgical Language: Old Church Slavonic, Ukrainian, Greek, Arabic, etc.

  • Territory: Ukraine, Middle East, Eastern Europe, parts of Pittsburgh

  • Special Features: Divine Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom, iconostasis, beards

  • Famous Members: Theologians with complicated beards, babushkas

3. Alexandrian Rite (Coptic & Ethiopian Catholic Churches)

  • Liturgical Language: Ge'ez, Coptic, Arabic

  • Territory: Egypt, Ethiopia, Eritrea

  • Special Features: Incense so thick it’s classified as a cloud type

  • Famous Members: Desert monks, anyone who can fast for 250 days a year

4. Armenian Rite (Armenian Catholic Church)

  • Liturgical Language: Classical Armenian

  • Territory: Armenia, Lebanon, diaspora

  • Special Features: Solo cup-shaped chalices, hardcore Genocide survivors

  • Famous Members: The one Catholic bishop who can chant in a 5th-century dialect while doing trigonometry

5. East Syriac Rite (Chaldean Catholic Church, Syro-Malabar Church)

  • Liturgical Language: Syriac (a dialect of Aramaic)

  • Territory: Iraq, India (Kerala), parts of Chicago

  • Special Features: Ancient Mesopotamian flavor, curry-scented incense

  • Famous Members: Indian priests fluent in 3 languages by age 7

6. West Syriac Rite (Maronite Church, Syro-Malankara Catholic Church)

  • Liturgical Language: Syriac

  • Territory: Lebanon, India, Brazil (yes, Brazil)

  • Special Features: Chanting so hypnotic it’s illegal in 4 countries

  • Famous Members: Lebanese pop stars who go to Mass after clubbing

WTF? So They're Not Orthodox?

Correct. 

Eastern Catholic Churches look Orthodox—they walk like Byzantines, talk like Byzantines, and in some cases, beard like Byzantines—but they’re in full communion with the Pope. Think of them as Orthodox on the outside, Catholic on the inside. The spiritual version of a reverse Oreo.

They broke away from their Orthodox counterparts over the centuries, often to avoid schism, persecution, or to stop arguing about filioque clauses at every coffee break.

And Do They All Get Along?

Hah. Cute.

While they’re all in communion, they occasionally bicker like siblings in a theological Thanksgiving dinner:

  • “Your vestments look like a circus tent!”

  • “At least we don’t speak Latin like it’s Hogwarts!”

  • “Why is your bishop wearing a crown and holding a whisk?”

But they share the same Eucharist, the same Nicene Creed, and the same Pope. Which is more unity than Congress, your local PTA, or the cast of Real Housewives.

Trump 2025: The Papal Accords of Mar-a-Lago?

In what might be the holiest diplomatic blunder of the century, President Donald J. Trump recently mistook the Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church for a “communist faction of Pelosi’s wine club.” He then offered to broker peace between “the Catholics and the other Catholics who wear bejeweled tablecloths,” causing spontaneous fainting spells at Georgetown University and a diplomatic cold sweat in the Vatican.

But sources say he’s now planning a “Papal Golf Summit” with Eastern Catholic Patriarchs to “Make Catholicism Great Again.” 

T-shirts are in production. 

So are nervous breakdowns in Vatican City.

Final Thought: One Pope, Many Hats, Infinite Confusion

So, dear reader, next time someone says “I’m Catholic,” don’t assume they attend the Latin Mass or know how to pronounce consubstantialem Patri. They might chant in Ge’ez, swing incense like a ninja, or pray facing east on a carpet from Syria.

Just remember: 

All Roman Catholics are Catholic, but not all Catholics are Roman.

And if that still confuses you, pour a glass of wine, light some incense, and pray to St. Google of the Algorithm.

Top Comment Picks:

@BibleBeltBecky: Wait, you mean my priest isn’t the CEO of all Catholics worldwide?

@JesuitDropout69: As a half-Ruthenian, half-Maronite Catholic with a Syro-Malabar godfather, I now identify as liturgically polyamorous.

@EvangelicalBro777: Y’all still argue over incense color while we’ve got laser shows and electric guitars in our megachurch.

@QAnonQuriosities: Confirmed: The 24 rites are actually the 24 elders in Revelation. Wake up, sheeple!

@Trump2025: I love all Catholics. Even the spicy ones from India. Great guys. Great incense. Nobody does incense better than me. Believe me.

Stay tuned for next week’s WTF article: “Is the Holy Spirit a dove, a flame, or just bad theology?”

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