🎭Newton vs. the Trinity: The Secret Heresy of the Man Who Defined Gravity (and Might Have Snorted Opium with a Turkish Wizard)...

🗞️WTF Global Times 

Special Feature | July 2025 Edition

By Our Editorial Board | WTF Religion and Heresy

👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it.

 Newton the Heretic! 

Isaac Newton, that apple-fearing, calculus-summoning, gravity-obsessed Englishman, also spent his evenings deciphering the Book of Revelation, decoding the date of the Second Coming, and quietly rejecting Christianity’s most sacred dogma. Not sin, not Satan, not seafood—no, Newton said “Nah” to the Trinity.

And he had to keep it a secret. Because, in 17th-century Cambridge, denying the Trinity could get you burnt at stake. Or worse—turned into Anglican foie gras.

Welcome to yet another edition of WTF Religion and Heresy, brought to you by a nation where Trump is President again, quantum evangelicals are a thing, and half of TikTok is arguing over whether Jesus was secretly a mushroom. But let’s rewind the theological clock… to Isaac Newton, the OG nerd who invented physics as we know it—while also believing the Church was wrong about the very nature of God.

So here’s the juicy part: Sir Isaac Newton, Master of Science™, was also a closet Unitarian, a low-key theocrat-in-hiding who spent decades carefully stashing handwritten scrolls of blasphemous theological arguments under his bed while pretending to be a God-fearing Anglican.

Because in 1670s England, publicly denying the Trinity was a fast-track to unemployment, excommunication, or a career change to “burning stake ornament.”

How to Be a Genius and Still Not Get Fired?

Let’s set the stage.

  • Newton: Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Cambridge.

  • Newton: Fellow of Trinity College.

  • Newton: Supposedly Anglican (LOL).

  • Also Newton: Secretly believes that Jesus is not God, the Holy Spirit is not a person, and the Trinity is a pagan corruption introduced by power-hungry bishops who flunked Hebrew.

Yes, the man who proved the motion of the planets was also writing snarky letters to himself in Latin like:

“The doctrine of the Trinity is a metaphysical absurdity. Also, the Pope probably bathes in Mithraic moonlight.”

Unfortunately, holding that belief publicly in Restoration England was like walking into a Baptist church and declaring, “I think Kanye might be the Antichrist.”

So Newton did what any brilliant, socially-anxious alchemist would do: he shut up, hid his writings, and arranged for them to be published posthumously—when he wouldn’t be around to be burned, canceled, or forced into Anglican HR counseling.

Why the Secrecy? Because the Trinity Was the Crown Jewel of Anglican Theology

Let’s not forget the backdrop:

  • The Test Acts (in effect until the 19th century) required anyone holding public office or academic positions to affirm the Thirty-Nine Articles of Faith, including the Trinity.

  • Denying it wasn’t just “theological dissent”—it was civil disqualification.

  • Newton’s job literally depended on pretending he thought the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost were sipping spiritual mimosas together in celestial harmony.

Meanwhile, Newton was reading ancient Aramaic scrolls, comparing Septuagint and Masoretic texts, and yelling internally, “This is all Babylonian bullsh*t!”

In private letters, he even claimed that the Council of Nicaea was a “pagan hijack” and that Constantine was the original Vatican influencer who sold out monotheism for political unity.

And the Church said: Shhh. Just keep doing calculus, nerd.

Sir Isaac Newton: Last of the Babylonian Magicians?

Famed economist John Maynard Keynes, who acquired Newton’s private papers, once said:

“Newton was not the first modern scientist. He was the last of the magicians.”

And boy, was he ever.

  • Newton believed the Bible contained codes.

  • He calculated the exact dimensions of Solomon’s Temple.

  • He tried to predict the Second Coming (2040, by his best guess—so get your bags ready).

  • He believed Jehovah (YHWH, not the Watchtower edition) was the one true God, and that the Holy Spirit was an impersonal divine force. Not a dove. Not a vibe. Definitely not a guy named Chad.

Also, he was an alchemist. Like, a legit philosopher's-stone-seeking, lead-to-gold-believing, sulfur-sniffing sorcerer. Somewhere between Gandalf and Elon Musk’s ayahuasca shaman.

Why Didn’t He Publish His Theological Works During His Life?

Three reasons:

  1. Self-preservation. Denying the Trinity could literally get you thrown out of Cambridge, jailed, or beheaded for heresy. This isn’t Reddit, it’s Restoration-era England. You couldn’t just “have thoughts.”

  2. He didn’t care for ecclesiastical drama. Newton once said he had “no intention of starting sects or schisms.” Which is another way of saying, “I don’t want to end up like Jan Hus.”

  3. He was saving face. Newton’s social capital as a scientist and mathematician was unmatched. He didn’t want to taint that with wild-eyed rants against Constantine and Tertullian in the church newsletter.

Instead, he secretly wrote “The Historical Account of Two Notable Corruptions of Scripture” and tucked it away like a theological time bomb.

It finally exploded… 300 years later.

Newton and the Philosopher’s Stone (And No, This Isn’t Harry Potter Fanfic)

Let’s not forget: Newton wasn’t just decoding gravity—he was literally trying to turn pee into gold.

His alchemical notebooks included experiments like:

  • “Distillation of green lions under Mercury moonlight”

  • “Sublimation of antimony under the eyes of God”

  • “Boil sulfuric vapor until the angel appears”

And possibly…

  • “Snort Turkish opium and argue with the ghost of Solomon”

In fact, his predecessor Isaac Barrow, who died of a possible opium addiction, probably passed on his stash along with the Lucasian Chair.

Final WTF Verdict: Newton—More Heretic Than Heliocentric

So here we are. The man who:

  • Invented calculus

  • Defined the laws of motion

  • Predicted the shape of the Earth

  • Was knighted by Queen Anne

  • Believed in Yahweh as one singular divine force

  • Thought the Trinity was a fraud

  • And was too smart to tweet any of it while alive

Turns out to be the most high-functioning theological dissident in history.

His Principia Mathematica may have explained the universe, but his closet Unitarianism explains something even bigger:

Sometimes, even the greatest minds have to hide their deepest truths—until the world is finally weird enough to hear them.

Well guess what? 

In 2025, with President Trump back in office, Kanye running a new church in Wyoming, and ancient heresies trending on TikTok…

We’re ready.

COMMENT SECTION

@Jehovah_Jive420: If Newton dropped this today, half of YouTube would think he was Deep State psyop from Qumran.

@TrinitarianTina: God is three persons, one substance. Also, don’t do opium and read Hebrew at the same time.

@FlatEarthAlchemist: I knew it! Gravity’s fake and the Holy Spirit is just God’s Wi-Fi signal.

@KeynesWasRight: Newton was a heretic, a genius, and maybe just really, really lonely.

Next Week in WTF Theology:

“The Gospel According to Judas: Was the Real Betrayal a Publishing Error?”

“The Dead Sea Scrolls Were Just Angry Facebook Posts in Clay”

“Saint Paul: First Christian… or Just the First Religious Content Creator?”

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